


Believe

by TsingaDark



Series: Lost Inside My Mind [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 14:26:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11254803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsingaDark/pseuds/TsingaDark
Summary: Dan doesn’t have a lot of down days anymore, and especially not full on weeks of wanting the ground to swallow him whole, but once in a while getting out of bed is more difficult than it usually is.





	Believe

**Author's Note:**

> another one of these  
> will there ever be an actual plot? I don't think so
> 
> please remember that this is completely fictional

Dan doesn’t have a lot of down days anymore, and especially not full on weeks of wanting the ground to swallow him whole, but once in a while getting out of bed is more difficult than it usually is; and once in a while he is trying his hardest not to let everyone see the all-consuming nothingness inside of him.

There’s the sadness, the helplessness, the voice in his head telling him that everything he does is useless, that  _ he’s _ useless. He knows he shouldn’t believe that voice, but how can he when it sounds so much like himself? 

Despite everything he’s achieved, success not a lot of people can relate to, the things he’s failed at tower over all those things, casting all his motivations into shadow. It feels like every single one of his achievements has been put on the others like a house of cards and one tiny movement will cause everything to collapse, burying him underneath. 

Of course, he knows it’s not quite like that, after all he’s build a solid career with a loyal audience, and if all fails, he still has his friends and family and Phil. But it’s not as easy as that either, because no matter how much he’s changed and how much he’s achieved – personally and professionally – that’s not something  _ physical _ , it’s not something he has complete control over. And that scares him. 

It makes him worry more than it should, more than it makes other people worry, and that’s probably a sign that he’s not okay, still, that despite the progress he’s made, there’s still this fragile, scared person inside of him that’s part of him but also not. 

The last few weeks have been tiring, exhausting in physical ways that distracted him. There were days when he didn’t spare a single thought about that part of him that wants to pull him under, into the dark depths of his mind. There were days where he laughed without holding back, without feeling like it was faked, where he actually felt happy and alive and just  _ right _ . 

He misses those days now, wishes he’d savoured them, but he hadn’t even wanted to think about the days ahead of him then. It’s good that he hadn’t. 

He’s lying on the new bed in their new apartment, the smell of freshly washed sheets surrounding him as he stares at the white ceiling. He’s been here for a while, unwilling and unable to move, and he’s simultaneously surprised and unsurprised that Phil hasn’t come looking for him yet. 

Their life has been full of change these last few weeks – even before that, really. They’d thought about moving for a while and had decided on actually doing it a few weeks ago. Finding something new that fit their wishes and desires had been difficult – a place with enough storage space while simultaneously being affordable was difficult to come by London – but time consuming and therefore distracting. And to be perfectly honest, Dan’s been more than fine lately and even better with everything that has made him want to go on, made him think that his future wasn’t a hopeless, anxiety-inducing black hole wanting to suck him in and spit him out somewhere unknown and disorienting. 

The thing is though, while those distractions and interruptions were nice at the time, they were only that: interruptions. Moving to a new place has been refreshing and it’s certainly lifted Dan’s spirits – despite the strenuous task of packing and unpacking mountains of boxes – but it doesn’t change the fact that he still feels uncomfortable in his own skin sometimes and that he still wishes he were simply like everybody else. 

At least he’s finally on the track of becoming a truer version of himself. He’s sick of hiding behind personas that only represent parts of him, is tired of playing different characters that are all  _ supposed  _ to be him. He only wants to be himself, even if he doesn’t like himself sometimes, because he hates putting on an act even more than that. 

He wishes Phil were here, to make him stop thinking, at least for a little while, but Phil’s probably unpacking still, unable to stop when there’s so much left to do. It’s not even that there are a lot of boxes left, it’s more of Phil having the tendency to unpack items and not put them in their rightful place, or get distracted when he’s found something interesting in between books and props. 

After a few more minutes – at least it feels that way to Dan – he decides to get up and seek Phil out. He needs company right now and Phil could probably spend another hour wherever he is, with the way he gets distracted and forgets time, until he’d notice that he hasn’t seen Dan in a while. 

The carpet on the stairs feels soft underneath his feet as he slowly makes his way to the lounge they’ve decided to film videos in. Phil said something about it needing more decorations earlier, but when Dan steps inside, there’s only an open box on the floor, but no Phil. Dan figures that Phil probably got hungry, so he goes into the kitchen, which is, unfortunately, void of him, too.

That’s one downside of this apartment – too much space, too many places someone could be. Dan’s too tired to go into every room, the only thing he wants right now is to curl up with Phil somewhere, preferably on a bed. He makes his way upstairs again, kind of hoping that Phil will simply be in Dan’s room by now, but it doesn’t work like that, of course. His room looks exactly the same as he left it. His bed looks more than inviting, but he turns away regardless, feeling this urge inside of him he knows can only be put to sleep by Phil. 

“Phil?” he calls out softly once he’s back in the hallway. 

Not a second later he can hear footsteps and then the door to Phil’s room opens and Phil steps out of it. “Yeah?”

He’s in his Star Wars Pyjamas, glasses on his nose, his hair a mess from not having showered after getting out of bed. Dan breathes a sigh of relief with how comfortable and  _ normal  _ he looks, like any other day. The sight of him makes Dan feel grounded.

“You wanna watch something?” Dan asks, because after all this time he still isn’t able to say when there’s this pressure on his chest, making it hard to breathe and even more difficult to exist. There isn’t a way for him to express everything that’s going through his mind, so he doesn’t even try, instead trusting Phil to understand the words he doesn’t say.

“Sure.” Phil smiles softly at him. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Dan simply nods and turns back around. He crawls under the covers of his bed and tries not to get caught up in staring at the air, but it doesn’t quite work. By the time Phil comes into the room, he feels even worse than before and just wants to be left alone, but he forces himself not to shut Phil out, to let him help. He knows that being alone is not what he needs right now, that it would only intensify the nothingness inside of him, so he lets Phil get under the covers next to him, lets Phil guide him into an almost sitting position so he can see the dusty screen of Phil’s Macbook. 

He doesn’t focus on what they’re watching, doesn’t even care all that much, but it makes him all the more aware of Phil next to him. Phil’s hand is stroking soothing patterns onto the exposed part of skin above his hipbone and while it can be too much sometimes – too much touching, too much movement – it’s calming this time, grounding even. It keeps Dan in the moment, stops him from floating away. 

He pillows his head on Phil’s bony shoulder and sighs. It wasn’t even that loudly, more like a heavy exhale, but Phil presses a kiss to his forehead anyway, and even though Dan usually feels empty on these kinds of days, his eyes actually well up this time. 

He doesn’t know what he did to deserve someone like Phil, who accepts him, flaws and all, and who doesn’t turn a blind eye on this side of him, who helps him feel better, even if only a tiny fraction. Sometimes that train of thought makes Dan feel even more worthless – Phil’s doing so much for him and what does he give back in return? Nothing – but today it makes him feel cared for, meaningful,  _ loved _ . And that’s something he needs on days like this because even though he theoretically knows that there are a lot of people out there who care for him, it’s easier to persuade himself of the opposite, to believe the voice inside his head telling him that he’s worth nothing. 

Phil squeezes his hip, as if in thought. Maybe it was intentional because Dan’s started muttering under his breath again, maybe it wasn’t. Either way, it’s what Dan needed, it’s what makes him want to try to resist falling further. 

On days like this, all he needs is Phil to believe in him so Dan can believe in himself a little bit, too.


End file.
